My hardest day at training
I've written this post last month and although I have made my peace with it, I've only decided to post it now. I suppose I was dwelling on the fact of having something less positive on here, but I figured I should tell you my journey, the whole of it, rather then just the happy moments.
I wrote it on the worst day (I should say training session actually, it didn't ruin the whole day) I've had so far in Thailand. And actually, ever since I started training.
Thai men usually say that Muay Thai is only for men. Not for women. This comes through in small things like a televised Muay Thai competition only featuring the male competitors and not women. A friend of mine from Samui fought on one of these events and all fights where televised, a part from the women ones.
But yes, in training it also comes through. They like to play mental games. Even in the ring they laugh and smile at the opponent to try and break them mentally. It's part of their culture.
I feel like this day, my trainer broke me. It was a 2h private session and I was on the verge of crying the whole way through. I stopped once to wipe off a couple of tears that had fallen and said "Fuck this!". I pushed through. I kept going and I thought "If I don't get anything else out of this (technically speaking) I will at least train myself mentally.
I didn't end the session with a sense of pride or accomplishment, because I still didn't get my technique right. But the important thing is: I didn't give up.
I knew the next day I was going to have 2 more sessions with the same guy and my mind kept telling me to just change trainers but at the end of it I thought "I'm not backing down!". He will break me. Let him break me!
I've had the same type of pressure before while here in Thailand, but the most frustrating part was that for 3 weeks I kept doing the same mistakes. I knew what I was meant to do, but I just couldn't seem to get my body to do it.
It made me question everything - Why am I doing this? Why do I need to be good at this? Everything I dreamed of is just stupid! It will never happen!!
But then I remembered the first thought behind all of this: Do something you are afraid of and prove it to yourself! Do it exactly because you fear it and because you think you will fail. When I came to Thailand I said - I don't think I will ever be brave enough to fight Muay Thai. Now I am certain I want to fight in the UK, both boxing and K1. And if I manage to fight in Thailand then I won my battle!
It might seem a silly battle for some, but even though it's martial arts related, it transcends to everything else in life! One battle at the time. When you prove yourself you can win your battles, whatever they are, it becomes about winning. Not about the battle itself!
And on this note, I hope you go out there and do your best to win your own battle!!!
With love, K.