Riding the waves
“Why can’t I be a normal person and I just have one 9-5 job, come home and be happy about it!??”
“Bitch, why would you want to be normal???? You’re Alpha Kelly. There’s nothing normal about that!” (I actually have a picture of the face he pulls when he says that. Sometimes all I get is that picture!!)
Wow man what a ride! Ah!
This week has been all about being disciplined, to do what has to be done rather than what I feel like doing. It’s been an emotional week and I realised I very rarely write about it so I’m making a conscious effort to write about it because I know I am not the only one out there going through these battles.
I tend to not write about these things because I am generally a positive person. I focus on the positives and with no big effort, I brush off any negatives that might disturb my peace. These last couple of years I have realised that peace is more important to me than being right. So when it comes to trivial things, I go with peace. (I call them trivial because that’s how I look at them, but I have definitely seen people losing their shit over the same thing).
But the reality is, when it concerns my life goals and my progress, I go through some battles. I know myself enough to know when these waves come and I know the best thing to do is to just ride through the wave, maneuver and let it go. I know my feelings, I know my mind and I know myself. This, I believe is a great strength. And being a positive person, I know these thoughts and doubts do not define me. Hence why I don’t write about them. I don’t give them enough importance to put them on paper. What I do is I sit down and read my notebook where I have my goals laid out and a story of inevitable progress over the last year and a half.
I watched a video this week that really hit me. I had this concept in my head already but for some reason, listening to an “expert” talk about it seems to give it more credibility. It explains the concept of “multipotentialites” – the idea that some of us, don’t have a true calling. Rather than one passion and one thing we specialise in, we have a multitude of passions. Always with 23 tabs open in our minds, we are quick learners, flexible and adaptable. Our passion is in learning and trying new things, and focusing on one thing for too long often demotivates us – definitely has happened to me already with Muay Thai. There are so many other martial arts I would love to be working on, acrobatics, meditation, dance, languages, charity work, writing…. Oh well! If only I didn’t have to work and the days had 48h, right!?… Check the video here if it resonates with you, or if you're curious.
For a while I have felt that my strength is the ability to focus on various different projects at the same time, learn quickly and be adaptable and flexible to do multiple things at the same time. Now… you’re strength can also be your pitfall, and I know this as well! Over the years, friends have told me “When are you not super busy?”; “I never known you not to have more than just 1 job”; “You and your crazy ideas”; “There’s always somethings with you!!”. Well… these last 2 ones are actually from this year and to be honest, I was actually happy to hear these two! Yes, there is always something with me, because I keep searching! Because I keep growing and developing. Nothing bad can come out of it in my opinion.
At any given time, I have always been involved in 2 or 3 projects at the same time. I’ve worked and studied since I was 18yr to pay Uni. I’ve worked 4 months in London with no days off. At one point I had 3 jobs in London and I was training twice a day most of the week. Here in Thailand, I have my 9-5 job, other online work plus all my training and studying . Hence why sometimes it’s easy to lose my shit and think that all my life I have just been this crazy person that gets herself into too many things and that somehow that's not a healthy life. But again, I am certain that ultimately, this is my strength.
But like I said, this can also be pitfall. Because I am so intense (which allows me to do so much), I often get myself into too many things at the same time and I want to make them happen… yesterday!! And, I don’t just want to make them happen, I want them right!
My Muay Thai is something that will definitely take longer than originally planned. Looking back now I feel like maybe I was a too naive about it. Not being at the level I want to be, is constantly on my mind and I have to make an effort to respect the fact that it will take longer than I want. I had planned to come here a few months and ended up staying for a year. In my head, a year would give me enough training and fighting time to feel comfortable teaching once I got back to the UK. But a year working in Thailand and an injury has definitely impacted my ability to train and fight and, obviously, my progress.
I wanted to fight a lot more and I could’ve done, but it felt like I would be walking into the ring just for the sake of it, rather than actually improving before fighting (gym related issues…might write about that on a later post). I wanted to feel a lot more secure on my technique and sparring but I have also realised that all the people I look up to, have been doing it for decades, some of them, martial arts has been their whole life. I have also met a lot of people here in Thailand, and not just within Muay Thai, other arts too, and we all seem to be going through the same battles. And when I look deeper into it, considering I have had no help and no support from my family, I’ve been doing quite alright!
I tend to only talk about Muay Thai on my blog, but there are other things I’m involved in. My financial freedom being a very big one too. Learning how to and trying to be independent from a job and a geographical location and quite high up on my priority list. Why? Because then I can travel and live wherever I want, train and learn all the things I want to. But like everything in life, it takes time to learn and perfect.
It is a lonely road most of the time too. I only know a handful of people trying to achieve the same as me, within martial marts, not even just in Muay Thai, and they are scatted around the world, majority being men. Where I live, I lack women to spar with or even people to sit down and do some work on the computer in the evening or weekend. I do believe it makes a massive difference if you have people going through the grind and working as hard as you or even just a running companion or somebody to fool around and try new things (training wise I mean).
At the moment I know I have done all I could, to the best of my abilities. It might've not always been ideal or perfect, but that was the best I could do at that time, while riding the different waves of life. Do I feel like I could have done more and worked harder? Of course! But that's because that's how I view life anyway: There's always space for improvement!
So yesterday I had to make myself a priority and sit down with my thoughts and my notebook. Reading through my notes before coming to Thailand, my goals and how they changed but really they are all pulling me towards the same direction. I know the next few weeks I will still feel this way, especially on Mondays when all the weeks’ work is lying in front of me, but I know I have to keep going. I’m not where I want to be but stopping, won’t get me there either.
Decided to post these ones because it's where it all started...
The journey continues, and it is a long one, but I’ll stick to it. I know my passion and I know my end goal. The outlines of the final destination might change, but I know where I am headed.
And as a dear friend would say: “If everything else fails, we’ll always have normal jobs to fall into.” – and be miserable with. ahah
Comment below or message me if you feel the same way or if you have different battles to go through. A strong network of support can really help! Get in touch and let's pump each other up! :p