The mechanics of the evolution of the AlphaBitch
Apologies for the long wait but it's been though couple of months. A month traveling, new job, new routine, broken finger... oh well.
To add to all of this, or as a result, I have a lot on my mind lately. Nothing like a whole new life to adapt to, to make you question a few things and put others into perspective.
Not having a proper routine and a very demanding work schedule has thrown out all my efforts when it comes to training. Waking up at 3am, means missing my Wednesdays evening 3h martial arts training. Working weekends means missing my Saturday training. Breaking my finger meant not being able to train properly or teach boxing. Working 12h shifts means not having enough energy to kill it at the gym. But all these are excuses that my brain sends me and I am now getting hold of it. STEP AWAY YOU DEMONS!
I've also been doing a load of swimming because I have to be lifeguard trained for my work. I like swimming but what I don't like is to be forced to do it. Having to spend so much time in the pool has also made avoid the gym and start hating the whole idea of dragging myself to the gym.
This time of the year is also extremely emotional for me. This time last year I was going through the worst time ever in my life and opening some of those wounds has definitely taken a lot out of me. I know I lived it and survived it. It has made me the woman I am today and I am thankful for that. I have learned lessons but only this week I was able to put it at rest. I've let it shape me, I won't let it cause me anymore suffering but I will never EVER allow it to happen again.
NOW I look back on all this and I think WHAT THE HELL?????!!!! WHERE IS KELLY!?
Slowly but surely I am coming back.
Once again I thought: well if I have these questions I know more people will have the same questions. So I decided to write on it.
I was just doing a load of thinking and reflecting about life. Even called a couple of friends (bless them! They think I am crazy) to discuss my wonders. And what I come to conclude is, not surprisingly, what I want and who I am is what's always been there all along.
With changing what surrounds you, the energies you connect with, the responsibilities you have, you get a lot of people questioning who you are and what you do. Well I, my friends, don't like to live in doubt. I am doing a lot of new things in my life which means I am not always sure I am doing the right thing. Although I don't see it as fear, I know my subconscious mind is afraid of failing or not being good enough at this new thing. And that for me is a new frontier... to be COMFORTABLE with failure.
First of all - if you listen and accept everything that people say or think about you, you will forever be at their mercy. So forgive me but I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.
With this is mind, my second priority is to be 100% sure of who I am, what am I doing on this planet, and what do I want out of this life. I went through my notes, my books and re-read things that have shaped my thinking in the past. I know I want to contribute somehow in this world and help whoever I am able to help. Yes, I thought about dropping everything and go to a developing country to open a school, start a farm or help with access to water. Do something that this world ACTUALLY needs!! (Yes, it's still on my mind but I am working around it. I will find a way). But because it is not all that simple I have to work with what I have and where I am right now, and slowly head in that direction. So decision number one (which was already in my plans anyway): whatever I do, I will help people, I will donate, I will do my best to give back, create change and contribute to a better world. I might not be able to change the world but I can change my little corner and if everybody in the world thought this way, this round thing we live on would be a very different place.
Third question was... who am I? What do I believe in? Why does this society always feels the need to entice competition? The kind of greed that makes people be horrible human beings to each other? I am a competitive person, I know that. Does that make me one of them? Why is it all about winning, being the best one, the fastest one?? Why is it not about being a better human being, putting a smile on a colleagues' face, making a definite and long term positive impact on another persons' life? I don't always feel like I have to win. If anything, the only thing I have to win over is my fears and my subconscious mind when it tries to tell me I can't do something in particular. And thinking about all of this made me realise what I knew all along: I know there is a power to unlock your fears and your potential. I know you can control your feelings and your thoughts. I know you can control how you react to emotions. And this is for sure one of the things I want to do with my life! I want to inspire you to find the key to unlocking all of that! I want you to be YOUR FULL VERSION OF YOU! I dream about a world where everybody loves what they do and do what they do best! Can you imagine that?? Unlock your potential, your real passion and go on and do it! Don't settle! LIFE IS FUCKING AMAZING WHEN YOU REALISE THAT!
With this being said, I am on happy woman because I am ending 2016 on a high note. I had been feeling a bit lost for the past couple of months and couldn't put my finger as to what was making me feel this way.
I suppose the most comforting thing about all of this is that I realised I am in constant change. I will change my mind as to what I want to achieve and who I want to be. I will always, ALWAYS, have questions because... that's just who I am. As a consequence I will go through phases where I won't have all the answers, but I will have to go by the clues... and still PREVAIL IN THE END.
My heard and my mind are never settled. And instead of a curse, I will turn into my best asset.